If you read one blog for the rest of your life, this is the one, my friends! Due to a super exciting vacation and the fact that this is an unpaid, optional gig, I am making up for last week’s lack-of-blog with a special jam packed edition, just oozing with more football goodness than a pillowcase full of Twizzlers.
First, we get all seasonal with the best NFL-inspired Halloween costumes. For the special lady who is a) too sophisticated for the youthful kitty cat or tomboy-ish baseball player but also b) too old, um, I mean, on in the years, I mean, wise, to be the slutty pirate wench or zombie cheerleader.
If you need to find just the right ensemble for the big day, think no further than today’s NFL, always fodder for politically incorrect ideas. Let’s face it, we can all use a few extra Skittles or gummy worms these days, and a creative Halloween costume will be your ticket to being “most discussed” at your party and/or cutting to the front of the line to take candy from the proverbial baby around the neighborhood.
This year’s “bad idea” category contains a double whammy of both adult and child Ray Rice costumes. Wife beating? Check. Creepiness? Off the charts? A tad racist? You betcha. All the makings of the perfect storm that should lead you to a well-deserved beating or at the very least a visit from Child Protective Services.
You could also go with the Adrian Peterson “But I’m From The South” child beater costume. It’s pretty easy – just a jersey and a common switch found in most backyards – and you get the added bonus of being passed over for many jobs when future employers see this posted on Facebook or Insta.
If you want to emulate some of your fave players, consider the Cutlers. When they’re not busy infecting other people’s children with their non-vaccinated Cutlets, they like to dress in bad 80s wear for Halloween. I don’t know about you, but I’m sort of pissed that Kristen can actually rock the gold fanny pack…I’m sure it was a Hot Pick for US Weekly soon afterward. And don’t tell me the mullet and cig won’t define the actual Jay Cutler in his post-NFL years, which could be coming sooner rather than later.
Going to the archives, I present Exhibit A that Tom Brady is less of a man than anyone even suspected. If you think arriving to the Kentucky Derby in a hot air balloon or getting chauffeured around the stadium tunnel while the rest of your team walks is bad, check out our floppy, fluffy little friend in full lion costume. Despite the Wicked Witch of Brazil, er, sorry, Dorothy, wearing the pants in the family, no man with any self respect would don this costume, most likely worn with man spanx underneath. And please don’t point out that he’s married to the world’s hottest supermodel. I reject that argument. Again.
If you’re scratching your head at this point, wondering if the NFL really is the grab bag of awesome costumes previously promised, here’s an idea – dress up a baby. Nothing says good times like a munchkin dressed like a middle-aged man. Especially one with facial hair. Observe…
An extra baby is thrown in here just because I love it so.
As an added bonus this week, we assess the scariest things happening in the NFL right now, because once you strip out of that seriously offensive costume, you’re still gonna want to talk football like a boss. With thematic horror movie titles FTW!
Things that go Bump (and run) in the Night –
Ben Roethlisberger passed for 522 yards against my hapless Colts defense, making him the first QB in NFL history with two 500+ yard games. Oh, and the first QB with two sexual assault allegations, but who’s counting?
Psycho II –
The Redskins VP of Communications went ballistic after their upset win over Dallas, grabbing backup QB Colt McCoy away from an interview and shouting “No Means No” again and again. You can see that the league’s sensitivity training is going swimmingly.
Paranormal Activity –
Last week was the first week in NFL history that four QBs passed for 400+ yards on the same day. It’s the year of the quarterback, fueled by more aggressive pass interference calls and bigger and better offensive lines who allow their stars much more time to align. To say that this is becoming more and more of a passing league seems obvious –look for previously untouchable records to be smashed in the coming years.
Dawn of The Dead – This week’s Fantasy Revivals –
Next week, I’ll take Cardinals at Cowboys and Broncos at Patriots as the games to watch. And I’ll add a few wide receivers from the waiver wire – Donte Moncrief from the Colts, Martavis Bryant from the Steelers and Brandon LaFell from the Patriots. All three line up with stellar receivers who typically get double-teamed and are starting to become go-to-guys. They’re a steal…easier than raiding your kid’s candy stash after they crash from their Halloween night sugar high.
Now go forth, trick, treat and play some football.