I write to you with sore fingers from trying to buy Taylor Swift concert tickets under many aliases…hey, the fan club code only let’s you get so many at a time. And, honestly, I’m up to my ears in football-related thoughts. This is the point in the year where all the teams start to run together, to seem so similar that I can’t tell a Titan from a Buccaneer, Jordan Cameron from Cameron Jordan and a Romeo from a Lovie.
With all of the devastating injuries to first-stringers, Fantasy Football is such hard work that I’m considering letting my seven-year-old take over some of the decisions.
Now that the Broncos have saddled me with a second strike in my suicide pool (damn you Jeff Fisher and your creepy defensive coordinator Gregg Williams) and my Colts getting bested yet again by the hated Patriots (I know, enough already), it’s exhausting to be a fan. It’s getting difficult to even muster up much hatred for evil owners these days, what with Dan Snyder’s Rdskns imploding under RGIIIs leadership and the hot Mara daughters not even showing up to root on their family’s ailing Giants.
And yet, when I feel weary and just want a nice cup of tea and a backrub from the likes of Aryan Foster, I remember that there are people who are probably much more tired then I am. I’m talking about the old guys of the NFL. And by old, I mean much younger than most of us of course, but since a football career is like dog years, they are ancient.
Take time out from planning your spring break trip with Johnny Manziel and break out the Ben Gay with some of these old guys. And P.S. – most of em are pretty easy on the eyes!
Adam Vinatieri, Colts Kicker, 41
Adam’s the oldest player in the NFL and I know what you’re saying. Yes, he’s a kicker so his body takes much less abuse than the average player. Most of the old guys in the league are kickers, for obvious reasons. But playing until 41 is rare, and playing really well at 41 (he holds just about every NFL record for kickers, including most points in the post season) is nearly impossible, but not for the kicker nicknamed “Mr. Clutch”. Fun fact – he’s also Evel Knievel’s third cousin!
Peyton Manning, Broncos QB, 38
Like a fine Papa John’s mozzarella ball, Peyton truly gets better with age. To play at such a high level in his late 30s is simply stunning.
Santana Moss, Redskns WR, 35
Although he’s not played much this season, this All Pro was scorching secondaries well into his 30s.
Charles Woodson, Raiders DB, 37
We still remember the days when young Charles juked our boy Peyton out of the Heisman. The only defensive player ever to win that trophy, by the way. The longtime Raider has been terrifying offenses in the NFL since drafted fourth in 1998.
Fred Jackson, Bills RB, 37
The oldest running back in the NFL, Jackson is still putting up strong stats in a position where the average NFL career is only 2.57 years.
Return to Fantasy Island
Potential monsters Josh Gordon, Arian Foster and Reggie Bush return to lineups this week. Or buy into the hype and go for Jonas Gray of the Patriots after his monster 4 TD game last week.
White guys can’t dance.
Especially ones from Indiana. But thanks for playing, Anthony Costanzo.
Actually, this dance is Dhalsim’s victory dance from Street Fighter, according to my posse of video game playing trolls that live in my basement. And, it now has its own Twitter page. So, suck it, haters! And by haters, I guess I mean myself so I’m sucking it now.
Wowing your friends at pre-Thanksgiving activities –
“So JJ Watt scored a touchdown last weekend. Did you know that only two defensive players have ever been awarded NFL MVP? And the last one to do so was in 1987. Who has won the most MVP awards? That would be Peyton Manning, with five. He’s also the only one to win with two different teams. But maybe this is JJ’s year.”
Say this to your new crush and they will be asking you home for the holidays. And you can give thanks to Hail Mary and the football gods!