It’s the last week of regular season football and I’m pleased as punch to have pulled off a Christmas miracle – a Fantasy Football Championship! This, mind you with Colin Kaepernick at my QB and a lot of injuries on my roster. The Hail Mary Girls’ league was a success, and I plan to keep spreading the Fantasy gospel to gals all around the world…or at least the greater Southern California area.
While others are thinking of cookie baking and spreading holiday cheer, I am in football overdrive, considering the end of the season and how each and every NFL team could benefit from a little Xmas joy.
Here is the definitive of what each team would like to find in their stocking this Christmas –
Arizona Cardinals – A home Super Bowl, of course. It’s never been done. Of course, we should probably wish for a QB for them first.
Atlanta Falcons – My congrats for making me say “Who dat? Dat is a team staying home and playing golf in January.”
Baltimore Ravens – Someone to embrace this thoughtful analysis by Drew Magary and run with it.
Buffalo Bills – Definitely not another Kelly as a QB. No disrespect to the original.
Carolina Panthers – The ability to play the rest of the season as strongly as they do in December.
Chicago Bears – Another presser with charming Jay Cutler, their new media sensation.
Cincinnati Bengals – Not much…this team is looking like they have it all after Monday’s decisive victory against the Broncos. Still, I’d love a few more Rey Malaluga’s on the defense and a few less taunting penalties.
Cleveland Browns – Many more successful years with Brian Hoyer at the helm. Yes, haters gonna hate.
Dallas Cowboys – A look at Romo for MVP? Perhaps it’s finally his time.
Denver Broncos – Another ring for Manning so that he can please, please retire. He is just looking off lately and I’m not the only one who thinks so.
Detroit Lions – Definitely NOT a pair of Doc Martens. After two crazy stomping penalties in four years, this team needs to step lightly.
Green Bay Packers – A spa day for Eddie Lacy for propelling me to a fantasy victory. We’ll go together, sit in our fluffy robes and discuss how a balanced offense is the key to getting to the big game.
Houston Texans – A #Watt4MVP trophy. Come on, man.
Indianapolis Colts – Some gosh darn consistency. Is my team a contender or a passing offense’s dream? Is Luck the next Manning or more like a a bearded Vinny Testaverde? Testaverde is color blind, by the way, which I find fascinating.
Jacksonville Jaguars – Some Pro Bowl love for the greatest named DT in the league – Sen’Derrick Marks.
Kansas City Chiefs – A big win Sunday and some help to get in, and show the naysayers that last year wasn’t a total fluke.
Miami Dolphins – A division title. Next year, anyway. Someone needs to just step it up in this division.
Minnesota Vikings – Better fans than that dumb, horrible, loyalty-swapping family in the ad. Would never happen.
New England Patriots – Coal. That’s it.
New Orleans Saints – A little bit of karma for that onside kick stunt against my Colts in SB 44.
New York Giants – A beautiful retirement sendoff for Tom Coughlin and a better attitude and offense for 2015.
New York Jets – One more week of Rex running his mouth. The New York media will miss this more than you know.
Oakland Raiders – They got their wish: A strong young QB. Derek Carr could be a star in this league if they could only stick with a coach for more than a year.
Philadelphia Eagles – A do-over back to the strongest start of the year. And a healthy Nick Foles. Sorry, Sanchize, I’m back off the bandwagon.
Pittsburgh Steelers – Another few 500+ yard games from Big Ben in the playoffs. Hopefully not against my Colts again.
San Diego Chargers – A QB whose likability matches his ability.
San Francisco 49ers – A better coach than Jim Harbaugh. Which they will not find. This situation amazes me…your coach takes you to the NFC championship game three years in a row, and the Super Bowl in one of them, and yet he’s on the hot seat? What is wrong with this league?
Seattle Seahawks – Copyright on the best line of the year – “The Lynch That Stole Christmas” from the Cardinals.
St. Louis Rams – A weaker division and a healthier QB.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Can’t really wish them a weaker division. So probably a QB and more hope. Just keep hoping, Bucs fans.
Tennessee Titans – A loss this week. #suckfortheduck
Washington Redskins – A reality show where Gruden and RGIII live together in a house, have their lives taped, and start getting real.
So as you lay your head down tonight and dream of a playoff bye, a Super Bowl berth, or even a high draft pick for your team, make sure that whether your outcome is naughty or nice, you give thanks for all that football has already given us this season!