I have finally emerged from my post-playoff funk and the pain and heartbreak of watching my team go down in flames. I’m not sure what’s worse, seeing my Colts blown out by my sworn mortal enemy team, or being a Green Bay fan and watching, horrified, as your team grabs defeat from the clutches of victory. It’s been a painful January, and now we head into a Super Bowl with two of the most polarizing teams in the NFL. So why even bother to watch? I’ve been asking myself this all week, as have many others, and the answers are all here for you, laid out neatly and tied with a bow made of football laces.
First – make this for the Super Bowl and you will be the envy of everyone, ever.
Cheaters Apparently Always Prosper
How long have I hated the Patriots, you might ask? I can trace it back to the 2000 season, when a young Tom Brady first took the field in a game against the one and only Colts. Since then they have foiled my plans at every turn, costing the Peyton, Marvin and Edgerrin’s of the world at least a few more championships. And now they keep it up with a new generation of Colts. Gah! I just…I can’t express. Clearly I need more worries in life.
However, this month the Patriots saga took a bizarre turn and led me to the happy conclusion that I am not the only one in America who burns such hellfire hatred toward these New England villains. Alas, most of the country has quickly jumped on the bandwagon of Hate-riot after YET another cheating scandal comes to light. I say yet another because the Patriots are already documented cheaters, having been busted in the past for taping opponents’ defensive signals in a saga dubbed SpyGate. In addition, they are known to bend the rules to their liking on many occasions, from not reporting injuries, to causing “mechanical difficulties” on opposing teams’ headsets, to their latest stunt against the Ravens where they skirted the eligible receivers rule. Bend, not break, seems to be the motto of this team who will do anything to win. And win they do, under Belichick and Brady.
All of you have by now heard about the Patriots using illegally deflated footballs in the AFC Championship game. Did this cause the Colts’ complete collapse and result in the Patriots’ win? Of course not. But did it give them a competitive advantage that was not legal? Of course. And if you think this was the first time the Patriots would have tried this stunt, you are very naïve. Tom Brady held a press conference where he smugly denied noticing the deflated balls, which promptly caused commentators around the country, including John Madden and Troy Aikman, to call him a liar in so many words.
What will the NFL do to punish this team who continues to cheat with little more than a slap on the wrist? Likely not much. Commissioner Goodell is besties with Patriots owner Robert Kraft so don’t expect more than a simple fine and everyone to move on. Until the next time. Or the next. I suggest that Brady and Belichick both enter the Hall of Fame with a big ole asterisk next to their names and a footnote –
*Cheaters apparently always prosper.
I personally like Colts Punter Pat McAfee’s take on the situation –
I keep waiting for karma to come back and get em, and maybe someday it will. But for now, I can just delight in the fact that the rest of the country has joined me in my zeal for being against all things Mass-hole.
Breaking Tackles and Breaking Hearts – Ladies and Gentleman, the Gronk
OK, let’s move on. I will admit that there is one Patriot player I have a soft spot for. Rob Gronkowski is everyone’s favorite partier, from his revelry after a Super Bowl loss to his always-memorable interviews, and did I mention porn star dating, the Gronk always brings me a smile. And apparently I’m not alone.
This Gronk-inspired romance novel is now on sale on Amazon. No kidding.
And Now To The Seahawks
Ironically, all of the reasons I normally dislike the Seahawks are the reason I love them going into the Super Bowl. Pete Carroll has always had little control over his team’s trash talking, encouraging them to puff their chests and behave in a sometimes-classless manner. Still, when it’s directed at Tom Brady, even Richard Sherman becomes my cuddly new BFF.
And bandwagon fans? Seattle wrote the book, and thanks to #deflategate, a whole lotta new 12 flags are flying across the country. Heck, I may even buy one.
So as we look to next Sunday, let’s give thanks that such a clean-cut, humble and hardworking team that has never had any cheating issues of their own is set to unseat the Evil Empire.
And I forgive you if you decide to root for no one and watch the Puppy Bowl instead.
Super Bowl Commercials
Next week I shall give a sneak peek of the Super Bowl ads, but let’s just start by saying that Bud Light will once again be the 800 pound gorilla of the day. Look for a 90-second 80s-themed ad to be a highlight. At $4.5 million for 30 seconds, that’s roughly $13.5 mil, plus production costs. For math geniuses, it equates to about 6.75 million Bud Lights at two bucks a pop that they could have just bought and distributed to every Super Bowl party in America. Maybe next year…
Enjoy your Super Bowl week…even us haters will try to.