A week off at Disney World is no vacation, dear readers, and as much as you may have missed your weekly Hail Mary fix, just be glad I can piece together the energy to type two paragraphs after my time in the Magic Kingdom.
If you’re not a “Disney person” – and I’m decisively not – you still will probably make the trek to Orlando at least once in your life, and before I delve into football, I feel I’d be doing a disservice if I didn’t offer you my observations about this American rite of passage. So here they are, a few Hail Mary Disney World Deep Thoughts –
There are a lot of people out there who are rollin in wheelchairs or rascal scooters because they are too large and lazy to walk. Yes, we as a people have gotten to the point where the physical act of walking is too much of a challenge for us. Couldn’t be prouder of ‘Merica.
The whole Straight Outta Compton graphic thing has gotten out of control. I’d guess one in ten people have some type of “Straight Outta Disney” shirt on and I could literally feel the ground shaking from Easy E doing flips in his grave. No, fine parkgoers, N.W.A. does not stand for “Nicely Walt Animated” and you should not be wearing shirts that preempt the logo from the most groundbreaking rap group of all time. Leave that to the Raiders fans.
People have huge families. Like literally tons of kids per family. What happened to population control? No wonder these ride lines are so long.
There are so many chain restaurants in Orlando. So many. And people eat at these chain restaurants and think they are good. If I have to hear one more comment about that fabulous Bloomin Onion or the latest Applebees special, I will toss my curly fries.
If you want anything at Disney World, like a coffee or use of a restroom, plan on a 45 minute line. It’s an exercise in patience that would challenge even a Browns fan.
Kids from foreign countries are basically screwed, because they have no idea about American sports yet want to own a jersey. So they pick the local team, and suddenly there’s about 50 fair haired German boys running around the park in Blake Bortles shirts, having no idea how ridiculous they look.
On that note, on to football! It’s week 7 and there are still five undefeated teams. That’s the most since 1970. And while most of these teams have been in some close games, they’ve found ways to win, as good teams do. What does it mean, exactly, that this many teams haven’t notched a loss yet? Is the competition particularly bad this year? Is parity over? Well, not exactly. The games are still close, and still exciting. They’re just breaking a certain way this year, and I’m guessing none of these teams will remain lossless after about week 10. Except for maybe the Patriots, who are ruining football for me this season anyway.
Of the rest of the teams, there are so many teams trying to define themselves this season it’s like watching the Republican Debate. With the brash Donald Trumps (Jets), the Marco Rubio young Jedis (Panthers), and Chris Christie (Cowboys, natch) just wanting to stop talking about fantasy football.
However, since I’m in a Disney frame of mind – can you tell? – AND we’re talking Week 7, I thought it would be better to find out which one of the Seven Dwarfs represents your team?
So far so good for these teams ridin high or exceeding expectations.
Panthers, Patriots, Bengals, Raiders
Every reason to not be loving this season so far.
Jaguars, Colts, Eagles, Browns, Chiefs, Ravens
Coaching decisions or player hijinks making it a rough start.
Lions, Bills, Texans, 49ers, Buccaneers
Sneezing, wheezing and eye watering – you never know what you’re going to get when these inconsistent teams take the field.
Vikings, Bears, Redskins, Seahawks
The injury bug got these teams good.
Titans, Cowboys, Chargers
Yes, these teams are good, but they are not tooting horns too much yet. Still lots of football to be played.
Packers, Broncos, Falcons, Cardinals
These guys are poised to come on strong as the season plays out.
Jets, Steelers, Giants, Rams, Saints, Dolphins
Next week it’s back to reality as we shake off our Disney hangover and prepare for the second half of the season. But for now, hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to work I go.