The season’s half over and I’m torn between drowning my sorrows by binge eating Snickers Minis from the trick or treat bag, and being thankful that I’ll soon have some extra time to learn new skills, like paying attention to my young children.
If you’ve ever sat up late on the night after a time change, exhausted from a long day at work, watching your hapless team lose in overtime, you know that football is not a game for the weak. That’s what I told my boy as he cried himself to sleep in his Andrew Luck jersey. Then I showed him this and told him there would be an NFL Dance Party later in the blog.
On a positive note, Peyton Manning is still Peyton F-ing Manning. For those of you geniuses who want to start telling me about how Brady has more rings or Rogers has a better playoff record, let me blow a few facts your way –
PFM has played for five different head coaches and two teams, learning several different offenses and changing his cast of characters many times. He has taken three different coaches and two different teams all the way to the Super Bowl, sadly winning only once. But is that the ultimate measure of success? Or the fact that he is Five Time MVP, and has a list of records that would fill, well, a record book. Just a few –
• NFL career passing touchdown record: 509
• Single season touchdown record (2013): 55
• Most passing yards, season (2013): 5,477
• Most games throwing for 300+ yards: 86
• Most passing touchdowns in a single game (tied, 2013): 7
• Most games with a passing rating higher than 105: 92
• Most games with a perfect passer rating of 158.3: 5
• Most seasons with 350+ completions: 9
• Most games completing 80-percent passing: 16
• Highest completion percentage in a postseason game with 450+ yards (2005): 81.8
• Highest yards-per-game, season (2013): 342.31
• Most seasons passing for 4,000+ yards: 13
• Most consecutive seasons with 25+ touchdowns: 15
• One of two quarterbacks to ever beat all 32 teams (along with Brett Favre)
• First quarterback to beat 31 franchises: 2007
In the words of Peyton “I like it”
Turn It Up
One of the interesting things I found out in the off season, both from attending training camps and reading the dirt on Russell Wilson is that each team has its own DJ. Yes, this is actually a job which may just change the career trajectory of many of your right now.
Not many people know that I myself had a turn on the wheels of steel during my Cal Poly days, in the hallowed halls where Weird Al Yankovic got his start, and I’ve been known to create a mean mix tape or two in my time. That said, I feel ultimately qualified to create an NFL Week 8 playlist featuring a special song for each team. What is your club’s tune?
49ers – I’m the Man, Aloe Blacc
Live by the Beats by Dre, die by the Beats by Dre.
Bears – Light My Fire, The Doors
And please do it under Cutler.
Bengals – Hit the Road, Jack. Ray Charles
4-0 on the road so far.
Bills – Tossin and Turnin, Bobby Lewis
Feeling the jet lag ever since that London game.
Broncos – Right Here, Right Now, Jesus Jones
Doing all they can to get it done this year, praise Jesus.
Browns – Johnny Be Good, Chuck Berry
At least this Thursday.
Buccaneers – You Gots To Chill, EPMD
You’re young, you gots time. Relax Jameis.
Cardinals – I’m a Believer, The Monkees
I like this team to go all the way, powered by the Kangol.
Chargers – Another One Bites The Dust, Queen
What’s the record for injuries in a year?
Chiefs – Hurts So Good, John Cougar
Don’t tell Charcandrick West that there are injuries.
Colts – Somebody That I Used To Know, Goyte
Where have you gone, Andrew?
Cowboys – Gangsta’s Paradise, Coolio
Of Jerry’s creation.
Dolphins – Fight The Power, Public Enemy
Will they ever overthrow the Patriots?
Eagles – Rush Rush, Paula Abdul
Really need to find that running game, soon.
Falcons – Ice Ice, Baby. Vanilla Ice
Can Matty Ice propel them to a wild card in the surging NFC South?
Giants – We Tryin To Stay Alive, Wyclef Jean
The NFC East is theirs to take if they could just close out a game.
Jaguars – We Are Young, Fun.
Showing signs of promise for the future. Maybe in London.
Jets – Physical, Olivia Newton John.
No more loafing, defense. Get it done.
Lions – End of The Road. Boyz II Men
Packers – Big Rings, Drake & Future
Dreaming of a few more.
Panthers – The Gambler, Kenny Rogers
Riverboat Ron keeps coming up aces.
Patriots – Back to Back, Drake
If this happens I am DONE with football. Believe me.
Raiders – Back in Black by AC/DC
Because they’re back, baby!
Rams – California Dreaming, The Mamas and The Papas
Especially on a St. Louis winter day.
Ravens – Where Ya At, Future
Weren’t they supposed to be a contender?
Redskins – Gold Digger, Kanye West
Daniel Snyder continues to prove that money can’t buy a good team.
Saints – Pump It, Black Eyed Peas
Or pump fake, while you score SEVEN touchdowns, Drew Brees!
Seahawks – Run Like Hell, Pink Floyd
Just run it in. One play. Come on Pete.
Steelers – Stayin Alive, Bee Gees
When you can win with Vick, you’re a survivor.
Texans – Genie in a Bottle, Christina Aguilera
That’s what it’s gonna take to get them to the playoffs.
Titans – Low, Flo Rida
Really, really low.
Vikings – Takin Care of Business, Bachman Turner Overdrive
Quietly making a run at the Packers’ NFC North dominance.
So grab your boom box, crank it up and play your team’s Week 8 Anthem loud and proud!