It’s the New Year, and it’s also the NFL playoffs. Coincidence? Of course not. It’s the time to reinvent, to look toward the future with a clean slate.
First and foremost, it’s time for Bandwagoners to jump right on! Your team bumped out of the horse race? It’s ok, Jets fans. I root for the Colts, so I feel your pain. Next week I’ll be taking an in depth look at the best teams to bandwagon with. But for now, of course, we need to think up some New Year’s Resolutions that will assure a compelling playoff race for some, and a fresh 2016 for others.
New York Jets – Resolution: A Do Over
Oh, crap. They missed the playoffs. Rex Ryan’s Bills knocked em out. In a script straight out of central casting, the game had ups and downs, missed extra points, errant helmet throws and finally, an interception that sealed the deal. While the Steelers rejoiced in their wild card berth, the Jets headed back to NY and the Bills noshed on cheese steaks.
— Primanti Bros (@primantibros) January 4, 2016
So long, Eric Decker, I’ll miss seeing you this January. And I’m gonna miss these Tweets even more…
Antonio Cromartie- Resolution: The Twitter Password
So Cro’s wife went all nutty on Twitter after the Jets loss. You may know Cro from his 10 kids by 8 different women. Thankfully, he had a vasectomy a few years ago. But the snip didn’t cut out the bat shit crazy from his life. Come on, Cro, grab charge of your gal and grab the reins to her Twitter account. You’ll be paying her child support soon enough, so at least set her on the right path.
And speaking of setting on the right path…
Johnny Manziel – Resolution: A Serious Babysitter
Have you heard the saying “Tha Fuh??” that all the kids are using these days? That WTF-esque saying was practically invented for this kid. He’s declared out for the last Browns game because of a concussion, so he flies to Vegas, dons a disguise and gambles the night away, failing to show for his Sunday medical appointment. Kid, you ain’t going to the playoffs. You have literally one more day of the season to chill before you can spend every day in Vegas if you want. And this is the decision you make?
Few players have sabotaged themselves like Johnny Manziel in his first two seasons. Seems like he’s played his last snap in Cleveland. Will he end up as Romo’s back up in Dallas? Not if a certain other first-round pick has anything to say about it…
RGIII – Resolution: A Ticket Out
During Sunday’s game where his team, the racist Indians, played the Cowboys, RGIII had friends show up in RGIII Cowboys jerseys. They may or may not have been his family. Bad judgment aside, Dallas seems as good of a landing spot as any for the one time media darling and offensive rookie of the year. Luckily, he had a pretty good Xmas with two special playthings to ease the pain. I’m talking about the family, of course!
And while we’re covering college QB royalty…
AJ McCarron – Resolution: A Playoff Win
Everyone knows that the Bengals badly need a victory this weekend. Their last playoff win was in 1990. To put it in perspective, Macaulay Culkin was starring in the first Home Alone movie, Chris Farley had just started on SNL and AJ McCarron had just been born. The kid is now starting Saturday against the Steelers, replacing the injured Andy Dalton. Best known for his hot wife and whack job Jesus tats, AJ was a star at Alabama, and has played strongly the last few games. He’s got a positive attitude that makes him easy to root for, so I’m going all in and saying he gets it done for Cincinnati.
And speaking of Bama Boys, I have a special resolution for one of my favorite coaches evah…
Lane Kiffin – Resolution: Another Head Coaching Job?
I know it’s the controversial POV, but I do love some Laney. I still believe he got a bum deal in Oakland, left Tennessee for a perfectly legit reason, and played shady at USC because that’s what you DO in Troy. Sorry, Snoop. But since he came to Alabama, Saban has him quiet as a church mouse, and despite producing incredible offensive results, Kiffin hasn’t been offensive to anyone. I miss him. And his hot wife. Daniel Tosh isn’t even making fun of him anymore (it’s a time investment but highly worth watching!).
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I’m lobbying to get Lane back in the spotlight, and only a head coaching job will do. Alabama is poised to win a National Championship on Monday night, and after that the sky’s the limit for our boy.
Oh, and speaking of shady characters…
Tom Brady – Resolution: A Goddamn Pizza
Tom Brady’s diet is disgusting. A new interview with his personal chef details just what he and Gisele eat on a daily basis. Yeah, I get that you want to keep performing at a high level. Plenty of athletes eat healthy diets. Fine. But if you wanted further proof that Gisele has turned him into a mamby pamby new agey pretty boy, look beyond the uggs, the dog in a stroller, the air ballooning around town and even the colored skinny jeans. No sugar, no flour, no tomatoes, no fruit, and ice cream made of avocados as a treat? Topped off by filtered water, served only from blue glass bottles? Yeesh. Enough already with the pretentious bullshit eating in a world where every rich person is now allergic to gluten. Relax, have a pizza and stop with this nonsense.
And those, my friends, are my wishes for some of your favorite NFL characters. We’ll head into the playoffs this weekend with fingers crossed, our Ninja Turtle PJ pants on and a big bowl of avocado ice cream.